I've been on a journey for the last twenty years and I've learned a lot in that time. I have a story that I'm not ashamed of, though it's filled with shameful things, and knowledge that is worthy to be shared, though more than anything I've learned how little wisdom I really have. I'm passionate about where I've come from, but it's brought me to where I am now and the person I've been molded into is one that needs to change. I look at myself and I see who I am:
I have a weak sense of family loyalty, I do not miss people when they leave, my friendship is conditional, I have a lazy and unmotivated disposition, I succumb to my desires over upholding what is good, I look down on marriage and have no desire for such a thing in my life, I see men as chauvinists and women as pathetic, I view people as being frivolous, immature, unwise, conditional and obnoxious, and I find myself hating others for the sames things that have developed in myself. An apathy towards others has taken hold of me and it has stemmed, for the most part, from the more recent years of my twenty year journey.
But anomalies keep popping up. People keep demonstrating qualities which I cannot explain. They show mercy where I've seen only justice as an answer. They show loyalty where I see none being deserved. They give of themselves expecting nothing in return. They forgive and forget. They show a courage and perseverance toward others that has no logic behind int. There is nothing to make sense of it. I want to make sense of it. I want to understand what they understand and know what they know.
I finished reading my favorite book today, The Neverending Story by Michael Ende, and it traces the journey of a young boy in his journey toward deeper understanding. He succumbs to fear and is overtaken by his inadequacy, he claims power and leadership for himself, finds glory, is overtaken by his weaknesses, is overtaken by total depravity and evil, lives in shame, realizes that he must go back to nothing and start from scratch and it is all in order for him to become who he was made to be. He does all of this through wishes: by making them consciously and unconsciously and ultimately realizing that what he is lacking and what he is wishing for is love.
Is that not how many great stories go? A character falls into complete depravity and goes on a journey for change? I keep encountering these stories. Stories in which the characters embark on a journey which leads them instead of them leading the journey, and the end result always has something to do with love.
I think it's in us. I think we know how the Great Story goes and for all of us who feel that irresistible need to tell stories, it comes out in what we write. You don't need to know the Great Story to tell it: it's innate. It's worked into our own lives and into our own actions. It's worked into the very foundation of what we're made of. It once worked its way into a story I wrote in which a young man took off on his adventure not knowing where to go, but in following a black cat was led through thick and thin until he was able to find his lost friend, and in doing so prove that he loved her.
I have done a lot of talking in the past. I have done a lot of proclaiming my wisdom and enacting change in my life. I have done a lot of decision making and analyzing. I have done a lot of teaching. But I have learned how much I don't know and I have reflected on how far I've fallen: I know that I've been put on a more recent journey down a path that I have merely crawled down until now. I've known since August that God has intended for me to begin a relationship with him from rock bottom. To let go of everything I've ever built my understanding of him upon and start from scratch. It is time for me to let go of control and follow. As in the Neverending Story, it is a journey to the Water of Life with love at it's end.
I know I need to be silent. And I know I need to write. So here this is: a documentation of the beginning of this journey. Instead of proclaiming I will be listening. Instead of leading I will be following. I don't know how to get where I'm going but I do know that the purpose is to discover and form a relationship with a higher power that does exist, and find love: whatever that means. In the Bible between the Old and New Testament's there is a period called the, "400 years of silence," in which nothing was written and we don't know what was happening. There is a 400 year gap between the writings that connect the Old and New Testament's and I feel like I'm at a cross road that requires a great silence as well.
I'll still be honest, but not like before. This is a documentation through storytelling. Stories based on myself, based on others, stories I've made up, and stories that have already been told. It's a documentation of my "400 years of silence" and an honest expression of what is happening and what I am learning through it. We've always learned through stories and passed down our beliefs through storytelling, and sometimes they've been literal and sometimes they've been metaphorical, and just the same, you will find both here.
This time there is no time limit and there is no quota to meet: just writing based on a true story. I'm off to follow my black cat...
