Coping

 "I felt the Lord begin, to peel off all my skin."

original by Grace Adams

words by Manchester Orchestra

Lightweight

Today I’m not a nurse.

Today, I’m not a runner.

Today I’m not a housemate,

I’m not a grown up,

I’m not a gardener.

Today I’ve never been in love.

And today I’ve never broken a bone,

or been confused,

or put myself second.

Today I have nowhere to be.

I have nowhere I’ve gone.

I have nowhere I’m going.

Today I am a very young girl.

And being alone in silence,

With the beginnings of a fading sun outside my bay window,

Seems simple, not lonely.

Seems fresh, not sour.

Today I have nothing on my agenda:

just to be.

4am.

Nothing is good enough:

Not at 4am.

Not when you’re tuning yourself off in favor of getting it done.

Not when the insurmountable tomorrow is what you know you’ll wake up to.

Nothing is good enough:

Not my body,

Not my brains,

Not my spirit,

Not my past,

My wits

My humor

My quality.

Nothing is good enough.

Not even you, anymore.

Not even sleep, at 4am, is good enough.

So as I lay me down to sleep,

I’ll hate you

Like I hate me

And I’ll hate every moment until I’m unconscious.

And when the alarm tears me awake in the morning,

I’ll realize that 4am is a very unholy place to be.